my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
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You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
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The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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