yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
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you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
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Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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