U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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