woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
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I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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