just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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