Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
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All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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