I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
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He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
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Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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