I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
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I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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