So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
this hospital has no fireball
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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