I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
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The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
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Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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