im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
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Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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