I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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