barbara walters just said penis...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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