A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
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I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
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Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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