Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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