Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
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We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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