Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize