Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
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I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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