She is in my trunk
I am in a vortex of obligation.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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