Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You have to summon your inner elephant
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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