Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
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He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
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I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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