I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
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Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
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I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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