my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
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After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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