I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
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If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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