i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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