I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Drunk is not a location!
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