that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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