hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
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That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
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I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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