Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
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What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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