I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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