i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I love you.
Bad choice
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