woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
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He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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