The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize