I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
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I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
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My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
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