life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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