I seem to have left my pride at pride
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
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As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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