You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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