in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
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You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
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I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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