Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
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I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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