he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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