Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize