he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
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He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
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Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
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