I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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