Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
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its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
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Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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