Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
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He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
i've created a new STD.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
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My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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