You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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