doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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