That's when you crack a 10am beer
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
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In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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