you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
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drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
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How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize