I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
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I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
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We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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